Tuesday

I'm embarassed...and lucky.

I am embarrassed of a few things in my life. I am embarrassed to buy beef jerky since I consider it total man-food. I am embarrassed if my kids fight in the middle of the grocery store over who gets to push the grocery cart. And very often-although not in all circles-I find that am embarrassed to admit I am a stay at home mom. I say something like ‘ well, right now I am in between consulting jobs so yes, I am staying home with the kids’, or often I inflate my photography commitments to lead people to believe I work 8 hour days as a photographer. But very very rarely do I tell people- I am a full fledged, totally lucky and privileged woman who gets to stay home with her kids. It is true after my kids became school age I was taking consulting positions in product development (Apparel and Fashion industry) which for sometimes more then 6 months out of the year. But because I was a consultant- I had flexibility which other full time working moms do not have. I think secretly I yearned to be ‘back in the game’ and fighting my way up the corporate ladder. Oh how I loved the race to the top. Then late last year my husband suggested it was time for me to return to work full-time in a regular position. I accepted a Senior Developer position (apparel) in management at a large corporation. I coordinated with my mom for school pick ups. I pulled out my arsenal of crock pot dinner recipes and calculated my attack over each weekend to be able to survive the work week. As long as I was organized and scheduled I managed to stay ahead of it all. But then came the travel. Off to Peru and Honduras and I was expected to go to Russia, China and Vietnam in the following months. The work responsibilities were growing- and while my ego swelled, my heart was breaking. My boys asked- ‘when are you gonna be done with this work thing mom?’…..My husband continued his busy executive work schedule and of course he was travelling as well. It was over a conversation with him about coordinating my over-seas trip with his Asia departure that I began to wonder what in the world was I doing? It was all a blur. My boys were having a few problems in school, I had no idea what had been going on in their lives either. I felt pulled when I was with them, to check work e-mails and my mind was distant as I mulled over the next days meetings and agendas. My husband knew how I was feeling without me saying a word- he called me one day at work and said. “Just Quit”. He made it seem so simple. So easy. And gave me the confidence to follow my heart. He never once lectured me about how it was going to affect our finances. He never once asked me to keep giving it a shot….he just gave me the total and complete encouragement to be what I really always wanted to be…A STAY AT HOME MOM. Do I miss it? Sure, a little. I miss the constant validation that I have something to offer to the world. I miss feeling valuable- and I miss getting paid for my efforts. I miss lunches with colleagues. I miss meetings and corporate struggles. I miss playing the game. I miss being in the race.…..But at the same time I am so eternally grateful for a husband who is willing to take on the financial responsibility of our family all on his own- and only asks that I do my best with the kids. He indulges my photography business, my new blogging obsession, my endless crafts and projects. How lucky am I? Pretty damn lucky folks…..I guess I am so lucky-that it is cause to be embarrassed.

10 comments:

Jenny Angelici said...

Hi Marcy - I share your feelings about being a stay-at-home mom. I miss my old life too. You are so right that we are the lucky ones! That's one of the reasons I really enjoy your blog - it always reminds me why I chose to stay home. Plus I love all the funny stuff you write - especially the adtalk....Thanks!

Crystal said...

I'm glad feminism has made it so that now it is our CHOICE to stay home. But the reality is that feminism went too far and for most women in today's society, they have NO CHOICE but to work. I actually feel sorry for moms who have to work, or think they have to work, or think they want to work. I applaud men who take on the responsibilty of being MEN and taking care of providing for their families. I think there is a reason it was like that for so many generations before ours. Not because women couldn't cut it in the boardroom (we've shown we can if we want to), but because families just operate better this way. Don't be embarassed at all. People who don't raise their own kids should be embarassed.

Amy said...

hey girl, blogger must be having issues as I"ve tried twice now to leave a comment. Anyway....what I was trying to say was that work wise I'm in the same boat. Financially I have to work part time but I miss being a SAHM, thankfully I get to finish at 3pm each day just in time to get my kids from school and go home with them. btw I love beef jerky too :D

Soliloquy said...

THESE are the years you can't get back.

You'll never regret being at home with your boys.

And you are such a VALUABLE asset to the bloggy world.

Seriously - it would NOT be the same without you!

Ann said...

Great entry!
You are living a life, and it sounds like a great one.

Kelly @ Pass the Torch said...

So many of us struggle with this decision -- and finding that elusive balance. It sounds like you've done what it's taken to try your options and discover what it is you're supposed to be doing right now. And enjoying the moment you have right now. Kudos to you!

Kimberly said...

Great post. I think a lot of women struggle with this and their own concerns about not being "worth" as much if they stay at home, which is obviously not at all true.

I truly believe you'll look back on this time some day and be 100% happy that you made this choice.

Becky said...

Yeah! :)
I'm glad for your choice to be there for your boys. (Not saying that working moms aren't there...just saying that I know when I am working on things outside the home, I am not "there" even when I am home.) Does that make any sense at all?

Anyhoo...
What a great family you have and someday, maybe we will get to have coffee and talk about all of the mom things that make us feel important.

OH...wait. We already do...we are bloggers! We rock!

The Maid

Kandace said...

Marcy, I'm embarassed because my choice to work was just that a choice. There was nothing really stopping me from staying home and I chose to work, for my sanity. I think my life has taken a turn because it was supposed to and that staying home is what I should be doing.

Anyway, yes, I will be embarassed to tell working women I stay home and I'm sure I'll qualify it with the consulting thing and probably embellish a little too.

Don't be embarassed. Those kids need someone at home for support! You won't ever die wishing you had spent more time working.

Allmykids123 said...

These years are gone before you know it. You can't get your kids childhood back. Don't look back..you are doing something that few people are lucky enough to get to. There's plenty of time to work when they get into high school and college. Actually, I'm gonna have to work to put them through college. Cannot even imagine what tuition will be. Yikes!