I'm embarassed...and lucky.

I am embarrassed of a few things in my life. I am embarrassed to buy beef jerky since I consider it total man-food. I am embarrassed if my kids fight in the middle of the grocery store over who gets to push the grocery cart. And very often-although not in all circles-I find that am embarrassed to admit I am a stay at home mom. I say something like ‘ well, right now I am in between consulting jobs so yes, I am staying home with the kids’, or often I inflate my photography commitments to lead people to believe I work 8 hour days as a photographer. But very very rarely do I tell people- I am a full fledged, totally lucky and privileged woman who gets to stay home with her kids. It is true after my kids became school age I was taking consulting positions in product development (Apparel and Fashion industry) which for sometimes more then 6 months out of the year. But because I was a consultant- I had flexibility which other full time working moms do not have. I think secretly I yearned to be ‘back in the game’ and fighting my way up the corporate ladder. Oh how I loved the race to the top. Then late last year my husband suggested it was time for me to return to work full-time in a regular position. I accepted a Senior Developer position (apparel) in management at a large corporation. I coordinated with my mom for school pick ups. I pulled out my arsenal of crock pot dinner recipes and calculated my attack over each weekend to be able to survive the work week. As long as I was organized and scheduled I managed to stay ahead of it all. But then came the travel. Off to Peru and Honduras and I was expected to go to Russia, China and Vietnam in the following months. The work responsibilities were growing- and while my ego swelled, my heart was breaking. My boys asked- ‘when are you gonna be done with this work thing mom?’…..My husband continued his busy executive work schedule and of course he was travelling as well. It was over a conversation with him about coordinating my over-seas trip with his Asia departure that I began to wonder what in the world was I doing? It was all a blur. My boys were having a few problems in school, I had no idea what had been going on in their lives either. I felt pulled when I was with them, to check work e-mails and my mind was distant as I mulled over the next days meetings and agendas. My husband knew how I was feeling without me saying a word- he called me one day at work and said. “Just Quit”. He made it seem so simple. So easy. And gave me the confidence to follow my heart. He never once lectured me about how it was going to affect our finances. He never once asked me to keep giving it a shot….he just gave me the total and complete encouragement to be what I really always wanted to be…A STAY AT HOME MOM. Do I miss it? Sure, a little. I miss the constant validation that I have something to offer to the world. I miss feeling valuable- and I miss getting paid for my efforts. I miss lunches with colleagues. I miss meetings and corporate struggles. I miss playing the game. I miss being in the race.…..But at the same time I am so eternally grateful for a husband who is willing to take on the financial responsibility of our family all on his own- and only asks that I do my best with the kids. He indulges my photography business, my new blogging obsession, my endless crafts and projects. How lucky am I? Pretty damn lucky folks…..I guess I am so lucky-that it is cause to be embarrassed.